I want to share a few stories: stories of men I have heard, seen and been with; stories that made me see things differently, stories that helped me see them differently. I am sharing those stories with you, hoping it will do the same for you.
Growing up, I was annoyed by this uncle who had a terrible temper. Every time things didn’t go his way, he used to bash out on all of us; we used to tiptoe around him. But, whenever he was drunk, he transformed into this whole new person; he used to hug us,
apologise to us, cry a lot, talk a lot, and explain why he shouted in his drunken slurry tone. I never paid attention to what he said nor did, for his anger outbursts and drunken monologues aversed me. He developed an alcoholic addiction and passed away a few weeks back. I was
sitting at his funeral when a sudden realisation hit me – he wasn’t a different person when he was drunk; instead, he was another person when he wasn’t drunk. He needed alcohol to be a human, to numb his ego and let his heart speak. He needed alcohol to give him the courage to express his natural emotions and be vulnerable. I sat there for a long time, wondering what I was mourning for – his death or life…
One of my close friends has a constant melancholy in his face, voice and life. He has been attempting CA finals for the past few years. He is currently working in a friend’s startup for
almost 12 hours a day. He is nearing his 30s, and there is pressure from his family and friends to marry. He once told me that he doesn’t like going out to work or study. He wishes to be a house husband, supporting his partner with household chores while she helps him financially. With a collapsed mental health and drained bank balance, he can’t talk about this to his family, who are on a quest to find a bride who earns less than him to ensure the hierarchy stays intact.
This is a story of a couple I met on the train. It was a long train journey; they were seated in comfortable AC berths. A group of friends in their coach seemed to have fun amongst themselves and were standing near the door for a while. When they returned, it was clear that all were drunk. Everyone went to their respective berths except for one who was out of his control. His berth is opposite to that of the couple. He was in a state where he
couldn’t stand properly on his own and once almost fell on the couple. The girl got terrified and started to worry when they would get down. The guy tried to comfort her initially, but after a while, he lost his patience and shouted at the girl that he didn’t want to talk about them. The girl lifted her guard and slept on her berth with eyes full of tears and fear.
After some time, I heard the guy tell her he felt helpless and didn’t know how to make her feel safe. She sternly replied that she never asked him to protect her but to be beside her.
One of my classmates told me he had a crush on me. It was just a confession, not a proposal. He was sure he didn’t want to act on it as he said I seemed more confident and bolder than him. This dynamic wouldn’t suit his relationship style. He took some time to let the feelings fade away and then spoke about this to me. Later, he added that he doesn’t catch feelings easily, and it’s been a long time since he felt this way. I am unsure if I like him; maybe if he had told me differently, we might have had a chance.
This last story is about my junior, who pushed himself to engage in sexual intimacy every time he met his partner. But, this would leave him drained after every meet, and eventually, he started avoiding meeting his partner. This greatly affected their relationship. He thought that men are expected to and should have constant sexual drive and it isn’t acceptable to show disinterest towards sex. Behind these layers, he is someone who enjoys emotional intimacy more and might be as sexually interested as he portrays himself to be if he removes the internal pressure of being ‘masculine’ enough.
These stories left me with a couple of questions:- If men hold so much power in our society, why are they forced to live double lives, deny their desires, be dishonest to themselves, cover up their emotions and put on the role of saviours? Do they really have power if that power doesn’t allow them to be vulnerable, real, honest, and show their flawed human self? Are they losing themselves to Patriarchy in the quest to win over something? Leaving these questions behind for you to think…
