Catharsis; a massive release of feelings and emotions stored for a prolonged period.
” A beautiful flower for a beautiful person.” Said whosoever I dearly loved.
His words, not mine. I wish I were a stone. Maybe then I’d break into pieces and perish without a care for anything or anybody. Maybe then, I’d understand, withstanding, settling as the beneficiary of an alleviated compliment. I’d hoped for someone to see me for the way I am and love me on my pillow fort. Melancholically therapeutic for different dimensions of my dear mind.
11:06. No one will ever discover the mystery behind these numbers.
’10 years. Huh? It took you ten years to look at me the way I looked at you. I was as lost as a child could be, but I had no one to confide in. I wish I hadn’t discovered the loneliness in your eyes or how miserable you felt every minute in a crowd. I looked for you everywhere, every alley, and I didn’t find you. I have seen different versions of the same vision. The moment I see you after years of waiting, I recollect the feelings buried in the unsolicited depth of ecstasy. I wish I could talk to you like a friend. Perhaps it’s the affection of humans for the unsolicited misdemeanour, The instinct of pulling away in the fear of losing someone forever.
After ten long years, we stare into the tranquillity left in each other’s existence. I wish I had you then, for I had an abundance of maddening love spilling into the unearthly mundanity. I wish you knew how much of a Medusa I could condor. My feelings for you have remained as fresh and untouched as they were since I fell in love with you. All I need is to have you express the love I have stored precisely for your contentment. Only to love you better. I’d hoped for time to fly, run a marathon so I could see you come back here, to the city you love most and start your bar.’ I remain mute as I watch you get down the stairs in all the glory. You have matured, and your stubble looks perfect.
Tall, secure and gorgeous, I was smitten, and you didn’t know. At that very moment, I wanted to express my gratitude to the greatest of the greatest just for keeping you alive. When I look back at lost time, I think of the letters written but never posted; those hold me responsible for many things. I desired courage, and she was staring at me but remained unresponsive. In my favour are my thoughts, but will I ever express them? In the chaos of the restaurant, we hold the most intense eye contact, trying to figure out each other’s lives. Is there any space left for companionship? In each other’s lives? The grave question remained unanswered. We greet each other like old friends, talk about our work and behave platonically. And the day is over with unnoticeable pretence.Â
I’d missed my shot at real love, my soulmate. The realisation buried me deeper in my thoughts for what felt like a millennial. Now I miss the girl who only wanted to live on the stage, performing till her energy was over and the fire was burning with the conjure of a millennial to a hundred years further. I’m a hopeless romantic, a human who thinks that only one person on this massive planet is meant for her; Adam was made for his Eve. I’m trying to find an alternative, but none are available. I will run as fast as my emotions and never abandon them. I’ll run fast and clumsily because clumsy is my second name, but I’m clumsily careful. Passionate, compassionate weeds of love breed and blossom in my home garden. I adore the love I possess with care and adventure. It’s the itch that will never burn out or fuel my life.
A PhD psychology candidate would tell me that I am supposed to make my own tomorrow, but I don’t want a tomorrow that doesn’t include you. The Ancient Greek theory makes us so desperate to find our better half. I believe we were torn apart, forcefully or so, but you were no black rose to my Medusa. I’m appetisingly, unapologetically, insanely in love with you.
I am not strong enough to see you fall in love with someone. Finding hope in the hopelessness, in the melancholic breeze with a wounded heart. The day I see you with someone new will be the death of every last drop of hope and earnest love residing in the core of my heart. I’ll let dear death embrace me. Your mere existence makes me desire a life by your side as your partner. The one I can only imagine and never live. My favourite habit is to laugh at myself in metro trains and car driveways. I will always smile at the memories of us unfolding before my open eyelids.
Unrequited love has its beautiful backwaters, the baggage of stiff responses, and hurtful acts, but we’ll come back stronger than ever. I promise.
